Originally Posted by
Delizadee 
I read a thread I really shouldn't have and now all I can think about is drinking.
Apparently I should've stayed away from that one but who'da known.
I'm messing around with my meds too and everything is just screwing my up.
I am trying to figure **** out in my head that is either nothing but vindictive and manipulating or utterly impossible and useless.
My counselor is not in today and I'm meeting my sponsor tonight.
Useless frikken judicial system!!!!!
I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to make this better or fix this or make myself feel better.
I hate hearing people rationalize their drinking drinking on this board when I feel so completely out of control and vulnerable and was not even expecting to read something like that along that bent.
Whatever. My row to hoe.
Anxiety and fear give way to futility and depression.
Nothing to do but just coast and live in it for now I guess.
Blah.
1 month until I get my son. And then I fight.
"Glee and courage your words resonate with me. I am in a funk. Doing the same thing just doing the next right thing. My av is throwing everything it's got at me. It's surrendered to not drinking but it's giving me umpteen other options to sabotage myself and fixate on in an unhealthy way. Why can't I just stick to coffee and smoking? I fantasize about gambling. Relationships I don't need. Smoking weed *what the hell-not my doc and I don't really care for it). Phones and game playing and Netflix. Sleep and slothing in bed.
I'm in full relapse mode and I know it even if I'm sober.
Damn bastard brain wants any out it can get.
Two meetings today and going swimming with the little one. I will except nothing less. I know how to fake it till I make it. I'll get back to where I need to be.
I know running out of my meds and getting back onto them is really affecting my mental and emotional state. I accept it. But I'm not going to let this become a long chapter in my story. This is not where I want to be.
Love and light to you all. You all bring me joy in my rough days.
Much love
Xo Del"
Wise words from a wise lady...