Hi there!! Emotional rollercoaster here. I get your struggle, I really do. I am now doing things that are productive and proactive... But my goodness that was not always the case. I started writing things, really putting an effort into active recovery.
This did not happen without resistance and me just crying and crying for what seemed like forever. I got over it and you can too!!!
Please keep posting. I still struggle with it. Your posts help me be reflective. Thank you :-)