What is looks like from the other side
It's been a long time since I have posted here, mainly because I was triggered by some of the posts that dealt with addicts deep in their addictions and I was trying to work on getting myself back into a healthy mindset. Most of you don't remember me but you can click on my profile and read my back story or rather nightmare.
My addict or ex H has been out of my life for 4.5 years now. When I was in the throes of my codependency I never imagined that I could escape and thrive on my own. I was addicted to the drama, the "helping" and being someone's savior. I was on a crazy train that was headed fast and furious into hell. I lost myself in the process and by the time my divorce was final I did not know who I was anymore. I'm sure that most of you can relate.
Like an addict who wants to get clean, I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired of the situation that I was living in. And oh how I was sick and tired!! When I filed for divorce I was so afraid of the future ( I don't know why because the future could only get brighter), I had no boundaries and my self-esteem was in the toilet. Even though my life was no longer chaotic on the outside it was the same chaos on the inside. I struggled a long time to heal myself of codependency and people pleasing. It literally took me one day at a time to begin my healing process.
Fast forward to today, I will be graduating with my bachelor's degree in accounting at the end of the summer. I went back to school shortly after I divorced my addict and it was probably the best decision that I have made. It gave me hope and it gave me a goal to strive for. I'm in a healthy relationship with a man who has never used drugs in his life, not even marijuana. I had been so used to being involved in unhealthy relationships that this one threw me for a loop and I actually had to work hard at accepting someone who wanted nothing from me but my companionship. It felt strange not to question his every move and motive, how odd that trust felt strange after being in a relationship with an addict!! At first, it was uncomfortable for me to have him to take me out to dinner or to do nice things for me just because he wanted to and not to receive something in return. That just showed me how unhealthy my relationships were and what I considered as normal. My relationships are no longer exhausting instead they are fulfilling. I won't lie, I still have trust issues and I'm working hard every day to resolve them. I fully understand that I still have a lot of work to do on "me". I've gotten better at the boundary thing but like an addict in recovery, I still have a lot of room for growth and it will literally be a life long journey. While I don't attend ALANON on a regular basis anymore, I still use the principles and the 12 steps as a basis for my recovery and new life.
Some good things came out of the hell that I endured for five years. I have since met people who are struggling with the same ordeal that I did and I have been able to tell them my story and listen with an empathetic ear but yet stay uninvolved, I figure if they want my advice they will ask for it, it's not my job to tell them how to live their life nor my business if they choose to leave or stay with their addict. I've learned to say no instead of always yes and not feel an ounce of guilt, that was always a big thing for me and now that I'm out on the other side, I know that I can endure any trial and tribulation after going through that hell.
For those of you who are struggling, there is hope and there is light on the other side of the room. All you have to do is reach over and turn on the light switch. I won't even lie, the struggle was and at times is still hard. I'm still healing but I'm in a much better place than I was 5 years ago. I didn't go broke or homeless as I feared, in fact, I'm probably better off financially because I'm not supporting an addict and his habits. The world kept turning and I promise it will continue to turn for you no matter what decision you make with the future of your addict.
As for my ex-addict, I have had no contact with him since December 23, 2012, the day I told him to get the rest of his stuff or it goes to the landfill. Well meaning friends have told me that they have seen him in and around town and that he is still the "same". I'm honestly indifferent about him and his recovery because he is no longer my problem.
A wise friend told me once that Life is not static, it's forever changing, nothing ever stays the same. I'm a totally different person than I was five years ago and I hope to continue moving forward and never look back.