False Memories During Blackout?
Last week, I went out with several co-workers to a sporting event. My boss rented a school bus (since it's a very big drinking occasion), and on the way to the event, several people were passing around drinks, which included shots among other things. Over the course of the night, I had too much to drink (which is not uncommon for me; I've had a torrid relationship with alcohol for several years now). I fully remember the bus ride to the event, and I remember most of the first stop (a bar where we were provided with food and more alcohol), but after that the night gets patchy and then completely black. I have one very short memory inside of the venue of the game, but other than that I really don't remember the game at all. I don't remember leaving the game, or the bus ride home, and I don't remember getting back to my apartment. I woke up in the morning in my bed, still wearing my clothes from the night before and the contents of my purse spilled across my kitchen counter. My cell phone was missing. I woke up to the most severe anxiety I have ever experienced, completely unable to recall the events of the night before. What did I say? Who was I with? How did I get home? Then...out of nowhere I started having really scary thoughts about what I could have done. I questioned whether I possibly made out with a co-worker, or even my boss (which would be awful since we are both married). Then I worried we made out on the bus home and other people saw. When I tried to dismiss these thoughts, other scary thoughts of what I had done crept in. What if I met a stranger and slept with him? I have a bruise on my knee...is that from a sexual encounter or did I fall somewhere? Did I talk about embarrassing/personal things to my co-workers? Who drove me home, and did I need help getting back into my house?
My question is - is this normal after a blackout? To catastrophize and think the worst? I still don't have my phone, so I'm unable to use text or photos of the night to try to piece things together, but I checked work email and did not find anything (though I don't think if any of my fears are true that someone would have sent an email over our work server related to it). I do suffer from anxiety, even when I don't drink, and I am on and off prescriptions for it. Is this common for people with anxiety and alcoholism?
At this point I'm so done with drinking, I just hate feeling like this. But I haven't been able to sleep or eat for days because of the constant worry of "what have I done?" - Has this happened to anyone else before? Is it common to make up false memories to worry about after a black out?
Would love someone to provide some support while I try to get through this. Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since the night out, and I'm just so anxious and terrified about rumors or how people will react to me or how I should act.