herculana

It happened, as a gift from God, it seems, as I was closing out my 1st week of sobriety... I had planned to have the house clean that day (and i am almost finished) as my gift to myself for 1 week of sobrety completed... But I guess God had other gifts in mind, and thats really beautiful to think about.

My Dad called last night.

I love my father with all of my heart. He was my savior as a child (took me to live with him when mom succumbed to her mental illness) , over and over, and though he made mistakes here and there, he is a beautiful, spiritual man who dearly fought for my spiritual growth.

I had, for most of my life, a uniquely close and very dear relationship with him. We were buddies, and my favorite memories with him are of hikes together in the redwoods, camping, long chats about life, spiritual matters, books and movies... starting as soon as I could talk.

Anyway, he's a big AA guy, and has been since I was 6 years old. Everybody's favorite "sponser" is a great way to describe him.

About 7 years ago my father started exhibiting signs of parkinsons. He is 80 years old now.
As usual with my dad, he is pushing through it, still lifting weights and going on hikes.

But his speech has slurred and slowed and his right hand is frozen into place. It barely has any function.

A carpenter his whole life, we are ALL used to him being a CAN DO man. A strong, problem solver in almost every area of life. An artisan craftsman and a jazz musician, to boot.

Over the past 10 years I began to drift away from my father. For one thing, he moved with his wife to LA.

I barely ever see him anymore, and I have been ashamed of my money situation, and I have been afraid of the parkinsons, and I have also been ashamed of my drinking (which I hide from him, completely).

I have left lots of his phone calls unreturned these past few years.
I couldnt stand to hear the worry in his voice... He is very worried about me. And I couldnt stand or face hearing parkinsons in his voice. I just was overwhelmed by it all. It was ALL TOO CONFRONTING. I have cried many times about this.

Anyway... Last night we talked... and it was an amazing, heart-warming, very loving conversation.
It was just like old times. A long inspired chat about many things, including the parkinson's. And it was totally SPIRIT NURTURING for us both to touch base <3

And I could hear his relief, because I know he picked up on my new confidence and stability...

I didnt tell him about my sobriety (to be honest, it might actually worry him more to know I am an alcoholic. I think he was happy believing that AT LEAST his daughter wasnt an addict) I might tell him someday, but for now, I am not ready to do that.

There was an authenticity to the conversation that has been absent for 10 years.

I did tell him I joined a support group, and that it feels like a huge relief, and I am feeling really determind and postive.

But If I was still drinking, that conversation would absolutely NOT have happened like that.

I got off the phone and I sobbed, rocked with in gratitude.

I KNOW that if I stay sober, I will be able to really be with my Dad spiritually and lovingly, with PRESENCE... in his last years and through this deteriorating condition.


Thanks for listening.