Hi folks,
It's Day 107+ here.
Still sober and going forward, but I've been craving lately, up to the point that today I was thinking about calling the dealer and getting high.
Those last days/weeks I got the idea that I will get high again someday. I don't know if I'm completely over with it, but also I'm afraid to do it since it could lead to everyday smoking and etc.
I dunno sometimes it just helps me to get high and think things over, see things in a different way, take some decisions. And I feel like I need this now.
And maybe I do. Sometimes it could really help you think things over and see them from a different viewpoint. But then I'm scared, because every time I smoked in the past it would eventually lead to everyday smoking and then stopping again and etc.
I've been also drinking more the last few weeks. But I don't want to do it right now, nor I enjoy it that much. Smoking is what I really want.
I just feel depressed and confused about many things in my life. I also have anxiety - a lot of it. Been working a lot lately trying to get my life together. To be honest I'm doing a lot of efforts and I can say that I'm becoming a different person. But I also need to vent out from time to time - like I used to. Just get high, not worry about things, not give a ****, be happy and careless.
I know that pretty much everyone on this forum will tell me - Don't do it. And you will most probably be right. I also think that I will do it someday - sooner or later. Dunno ...
It kinda feel like I need this periods in my life - periods when I don't smoke and periods when I smoke. Sometimes smoking just helps me with certain things, to restart kind of maybe, to be this other me. But then very soon I'm back to all day everyday, cravings, regrets, wanting to stop and etc.
It's raining here and I feel depressed. I have a lot of work to do, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I'm tired. Maybe this is why I want to smoke - to have at least few hours feeling happy, having this other mindset, being happy and careless.
I shared with my significant other, that I feel like smoking, but she reacted in a very negative way to it, which made me feel even worse. I knew she would not understand. She just said I'm looking for excuses (which I think I'm not) and that I'll be back to a vicious circle (here she's most probably right) and that I need to leave this behind. She also said she's proud of me for stopping, which from one hand is nice but on the other it makes me feel worse. It's like I have to live to meet the expectations of other people and etc, but after all this is my journey ... and if pot is a part of it, so it is ... but I dunno if I want it to be.
Sometimes I miss the old me, who would just get high and be happy and chilly and not give a **** and watch movies and etc and not think about whether is good or bad or whatever.
Recently I've been thinking that there are still things that involve smoking that I want to do (that were a sort of a dream to me in the past).
A friend of mine (after I shared with him that is more than 3 months that I don't smoke) said that now is the time to start doing it under control - I believe he meant to moderate and etc.
Maybe I'm at Stage 3 of the recovery process as Happy has posted in a previous thread. But it always happens to me that after a period of not smoking I start to need it and etc. It's like all the energy and power and optimism I had are exhausted and I need a recharge - to smoke again.
Another friend of mine shared that she sometimes has periods of smoking and periods of not smoking and that sometimes she needs to smoke to understand/cope with certain things.
Wow, it's a long post. Sorry - I know that maybe I'm really searching for a reason, but hey - it just feels that way - it feels like smoking.
Let me fill in with some more details about what's going on after I stopped - generally I'm better - I work more, although I still have a lot to catch up, I'm more organized. I guess I don't postpone as much as I do (still do it though) and etc. My cough is gone. I dunno if I gained weight (I train for this) since I haven't weighted recently, but I think I'm OK. My mental health is (maybe) better.
I gave a big thought before posting this - I thought about just not posting it, call the dealer and get high, since this is something that I feel like I need in this moment and I should not care about what others think about it since it's my journey, but anyway ...
To be honest, I want to get high, but also I'm afraid to do so. And when I think about the guilt on the next day and how I'll want to get high again and etc and do this high and that and etc. But then I also miss it.
Thank you for being here.