It took me quite some time to recognize my behavior towards addict. I never asked for anything, I just pleased and pleased and controlled and pleased and backed away and manipulated and lied and allowed to be stepped on and allowed to be treated poorly and then some. I always thought that it will soon get better, it will be fine, just tomorrow.
In the process I become sick, obsessed, addicted to constant thinking why is she not responding, why is she not picking up the phone, why why why, would she be drunk a lot when I came home, will she be there, will she scream at me? What my evening will be? Is she going to be angry, mean again? Or will she be just a bit happier than yesterday? My life turned into nightmare. I was in constant state of stress, anxiety, out of focus, out of my mind. And only time I was at ease was when either she told me "I probably should drink less", or when she was sleeping (read: passed out) in the bed.
She never actually stopped, she kept drinking, and kept doing the same things over and over again, as I was too doing the same things over and over again. Indeed a crazy heartbreaking rollecoster. I mistook my codependency and addiction to an addict to a love. And I did not truly loved the most important person in my life - myself.
I remember going to my first AlAnon meeting after like 18 months of this. I was scared ********, I was nauseous of constant stress, worries and anxiety. But I went non the less. I realized I hit my rock bottom. That things can only improve from now on, because it could not get any worse for me.
And indeed the things are slowly but surely starting to make a lot more sense now. And I see a happy moment there and there. I am finally starting to take care about myself, my needs and wants.