Doing okay over here- another playdate this morning and some more errands in the afternoon. Now I'm just waiting for the little maniac to wake up from his nap.
I have been thinking so much about my sobriety and the fact that I am going to need some outside help in order to get better. I am still really, really angry that I am an acoholic. It doesn't run in my family, my parents never suffered from addiction and neither did their parents or siblings. My siblings are "normal" drinkers so WHY ME? I know the why may be irrelevant- I just wonder why I chose this life struggle. I had a reading done a while back with a guy who channels the spirit world and he said I will definitely end the cycle in this lifetime (apparently I've been an addict for many.) He said I never actually found it satisfying to begin with. I think he's right about that. I mean it was fun when I was younger but never truly satisfying. Just like the binge eating isn't satisfying either, otherwise I wouldn't keep wanting more.
Anyway- I want to share something that alcohol did to me that caused me pain. I feel like if I give myself a daily reminder of the mess it created in my life, I will never ever be tempted to give it another chance. Drinking robbed me of my innocence and integrity. I would probably say that I wouldn't have had sex with 3/4 of the men I slept with if I hadn't have been a drunk. That's both sad and embarrassing but I need to be able to say it out loud. I probably wouldn't have been in half of the relationships I have been in if it wasn't for alcohol. I choose toxic people with drinking problems- I chose drinking buddies. I chose people I could get drunk with. I often wonder how different my life would have been- who I would have chosen had I been a sober person or a normal drinker. I guess I'll never know.
Anyway, I hope you guys don't mind me sharing these negative things. I just need to get them out there so I can start healing.