FireSprite

This was REALLY hard for me too, at first. The discomfort of no longer acting from a place of fear, obligation or guilt with FOO was some of the worst I've ever experienced. I had to force myself to follow through on new actions that didn't match the bubbling emotions.

My mom & sister will tell you that I just need to accept people/things as they are, when in reality I'm the only one that truly DOES have acceptance of it all..... and I accept that they don't have to change just like I don't have to volunteer myself to show up & engage. They are the ones that don't accept me and my changes in recovery. They are the ones that reject my growth as anything other than selfish. My sister has told me in so many words that she's just waiting for me to "get over it" & go back to status quo. Apparently she took on my Codie Robe expecting it to be a part-time gig.

I would love to have a real relationship with my mother but the fact is we NEVER have & I don't know how to start that in my mid-40's when we aren't both approaching it from the same perspective. And she's young at just 61 so we have a LOT of years ahead of us - too many for me to just ride it out - too many for DD to be exposed to all the wrong things. We've never bonded as parent/child & are 2 very intensely different people. It's no exaggeration to say that my mother literally doesn't like the person that I am, most of the time. The person that she was able to control as a child/codependent that no longer has those invisible chains tying me to her with people-pleasing behavior. The Victim in Her does not care for the Warrior in me & over the years she has shown this over & over. I'll never forget the card she gave me when I was 13 that literally said, "I love you even though I don't always like you".

Yeah, that pretty well sums up our relationship. Sigh.

My sister also lacks a bonded relationship with my mother - her own damage really didn't allow her to bond with us naturally. When sis needs a mom figure or advice, she calls me. When she needs a friend to just let her wallow, she calls mom. (these are her words, she's aware of how messed up our dynamic is but has no desire to peel below that layer of the onion)

Now, don't get me wrong - I am in NO way discounting the horrible damage my mother has suffered. She also sat on that information, burying it inside for 50+ years & now that she's finally let us all know the "why" of her issues, she also seems to act like we all "owe" her some kind of restitution & a guarantee of respect. She has suffered, don't we get it?? I've also read a recent study that backs up my concerns that she really HAS cracked somewhere deep inside (as a survivor of long-term incest), but that proving it is a monumental task I'm not equipped for:

Childhood Trauma Effects Often Persist into 50s and Beyond

But at my core, I truly believe we can ALL heal, no matter what, if we really WANT to.

And now you can't believe you never saw it before, it's SO simple, right??