Ive read through the post a couple times and you make a lot of good points and raise excellent questions. Hope you dont mind if I write some things out to try to explain my thoughts - to myself at least -
I went through a book on codependency a while back and I had some trouble with it because of how it was presented, and I think it could lead a lot of people to believe that " doing anything for anyone that they can do for themselves" makes you codependent. But I think that is a huge overstatement .
I think you have hit at the core issue with your post. The problem is more of a feeling of " hyper responsibility" and OCD seems like a good comparison because there is a compulsion to "do, take charge, fix, help, etc"
The example you gave with you and your sister was a good one. She didnt feel a need, or experience emotional distress - feelings of guilt, etc over not at least offering to drive the friend home. But you actually had symptoms of emotional distress due to feeling the need to help her get home, and you even apologized (which was so sweet) but its clear its all really hard on you.
In your sisters case, if she had offered to drive the friend home.., I dont think it would have been a codependent behavior or hyper responsibility because she was not driven to do so in order to soothe her own feelings of responsibility, or fill an inner need ?
And you also highlighted another point about how you are seeing people coming to you and asking you for help now that they know you are available. I think that is the other catch to all of this. Hope you dont mind but I wanted to ask what your feelings were on it.
When asked to do something, the hyper responsibility causes a person to agree to help.. but then is there sometimes a backlash of feeling taken advantage of because the person doesnt seem to acknowledge what you did effectively?
In the book I read, I didnt think it put as much emphasis on this last part.. but what I see is sort of like a push / pull where after the deed is done.. if there is not enough acknowledgement, then it can sometimes reinforce some inner need validating - Im not appreciated, I knew it, Im not good enough, etc.. but that reinforces in an odd way the desire to do more and get some kind of self validation saying 'I did good'
I dont have OCD but I have a cousin who does. She had issues with hand washing, and other repetitive behaviors -- but all of it was to soothe what was going on emotionally. Everytime I go back to double check the door to make sure I locked it, I get a panic Im OCD because I think I locked it. But I do it almost everytime before I drive off.
I talked to my therapist about all of it because although I dont really feel like I feel obligated most of the time.., that wasnt true in the work I used to do. If I delegated anything I was pretty diligent about double checking, and researching - but that was part of my job to be certain things were done right and nothing was missed.
I just got confused because on the topic of codependency a lot of what I saw on SR was about " not doing for anyone what they can do for themselves". My therapist said doing is about healthy balance, and about not having it be as you said a " hyper responsible" Need
- its about being able to evaluate when you are hurting yourself by giving time, energy, or money you cant afford to give.. or when dealing with an addict - picking up all their slack allows a person to ignore how unbalanced and unhealthy ones life has become.
Its interesting stuff to look at.
Its really good how you are exploring all of this, and Im sure you will break it down and work through it. We learn from all of these things we go through, and I think it makes us stronger in the end.