Thank you all for the welcome and support. I'm so grateful for this lifeline. I have thought I could fix this on my own for several years now .. but clearly I can't. I noticed on my introductory post that I joined here in 2015 (!), and know I was lurking before that, but have only just come out of the shadows now.
My husband is the only one I"ve confided in. He has tried to help me, but I have confessed relapses over and over, so it's a broken record. He's not pressuring me, but to avoid the shame of confessing again, I now just hide it. He still drinks, without a problem, so we have wine and beer in the house. He has offered to not have it here. Maybe I need to take him up on that. I don't usually drink his wine, but seeing him with a glass doesn't help.
Friends think I've quit for health reasons, and even praise me for how "good" I'm being and that they wish they could do the same. I feel like such a fraud. I don't even miss drinking in social situations now. I've gotten past that. I'm used to ordering water and seltzer in restaurants and don't embarrass myself in front of others anymore. Instead I drink alone at home, very late at night, buying wine almost daily with our groceries (only one bottle at a time, or I'd drink more).
I hide it in my car. I stay up till all hours. I fall into bed way after midnight, in effect pass out, and wake up about 4 hours later, miserable and ashamed of myself. I swear I won't do it again, and if there's any wine left I go downstairs and pour it down the drain.
During the day I swear I"ll stop, that this will be the newest new first day. I even note the date somewhere. But about dinnertime I start thinking of excuses for why it's ok to buy wine at the grocery store, and it starts all over again. I've educated myself that I know it's not a "reward", that I don't "deserve it" after a hard day, so I don't even try that line. It's just that I am addicted to it.
Since I drink late at night, I can't distract myself with, say.. a walk with the dog, or a trip to the gym.. because it's midnight. So all I have is will power, or lack of it.
I have gained about 25 pounds in the last few of years. I had always been slim, and now have a belly that looks like I'm 7 months pregnant. I wear baggy tunics. I have puffy eyes and dull skin. I think I've aged 10 years in 5. Everyone always thinks I'm much younger than I am, but now I feel that's changing. I'm looking my age and then some.
I feel like I"m successfully hiding it, but sometimes when my teenagers come home late and I've had a bottle of wine, I know they are not stupid. I struggle to not slur my words and appear normal, but I forget what they tell me. I"m filled with shame. I want to be a good example to them and don't want to squander the time I have left with them at home.
I started an antidepressant in the fall that did wonders for me, and the effect on my wish to drink was almost miraculous. I had no interest in it. I stopped drinking completely for over 3 months. It was as if the antidepressant took over the role of the alcohol.. it eased my anxiety, so I didn't need the wine. I felt wonderful. But then, after the initial benefit of the medication, a few months in, it seemed to be working less, and I started thinking about wine again. I'm not supposed to mix the two, so I stopped taking the antidepressant. I replaced a successful antidepressant with a depressant again.
I am sorry to have gone on so long. I feel bad about talking about myself so much. I want to get to the point of helping others, but know I need to help myself before I can. Thank you for listening.