I was a wine drinker. My last drinking episode was two bottles with the gift of a black out. I had been wanting to quit everyday. In fact, on that day I had decided I was not going to drink at all. The rest is history.
My emotional and mental space became intolerable. I knew, no matter what happened, that alcohol needed to be removed from my life in order for me to live. The nightly habit was just that, a habit. I needed to find a different way to live. It became a crisis. A big ******* crisis that I created and I could create a different outcome if I wanted too.
The one thing that was instrumental in abstaining from wine was getting honest about what I did and who I had become. You have taken that step. Good for you. This is not an easy thing to do. Forming new habits was the next challenge.
Logging on here and posting everyday became the priority.
Restructuring my time and what I did in the evening became a mission.
Dee and others speak of a plan. What am I going to do tonight that does not involve drinking wine?
Take a bath. Eat dinner. Log onto the forum. Watch netflix or read. Fall asleep. Wake up refreshed. Rinse and repeat.
I, too, could abstain for months on end and then fall back into the same horrid cycle of destruction. At the most, I have a few years of sobriety over the last decade. It is true that alcoholism progresses. The drinking became more and more and more. It's just way too much to continue on and the thought of living my life surrounded by hangovers, bottles and illness is too much to bare.
You never have to feel the way you feel now again. You can recover from this and you can be happy. Create a plan and stick with it. Post here often. Find a few close friends or family members to confide in and move forward. It gets easier as time moves along.
Here for you.