Hi Jewgirl1952....I'm guessing you're 1 yr older than my sister who was born 5/53.
She was married 1st to a drunk and junkie. 2nd was a pilot for a major airline who had 7 pockets in his uniform, when he took off each pocket had a bottle of NyQuil in it.
She's now married to a lawyer who doesn't drink or smoke...anything.
It's your life and it's not a rehearsal. You and your 12 yr old are at a crossroads. Stay where you are and you know what the outcome will be. Make a change and you know it will be for the best. Try a trial separation. Maybe that will scare him enough to change. Like the reply before mine I've been there, done that and have the t shirt.
You absolutely can't subject your 12 year old to a life like you describe.
Your phobia about being around new people is probably cuz you're afraid they will see you for what you think you are. You're not...you are as good as anyone in the room. You came her looking for help...didn't you? You know what you have to do. DO IT!
God bless