tealily

I have been lurking here for several years. Always wanting to join in, but afraid. I have been so impressed by the strength, compassion, wisdom and goodness I see here. I hope I can be part of this community and pull myself out of the darkness I have been in for the past 7 or 8 years.

Wine is my problem. I have tried quitting many times, sometimes making it 3 or 4 months, but always going back. I have to make a change.

I am a woman, in my 50s, a wife, a mother of older children and a wine drinker. A bottle a night lately, still functioning, hiding it for the most part from all my friends and family... functioning, but miserable and unhealthy, and hating myself. I see my life falling down around me, my health and looks declining, my interests and creativity and energy going by the wayside, all progress stalling. I get things done, but just barely. Almost everything that was beautiful and deep and real has been replaced by an endless round of thinking about wine, regretting wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, recovering from wine and repeating. Over and over. Day after day. Early morning appointments? No way. Projects languish. Piles accumulate. I used to have interests and hobbies and talents and joys. They've been replaced by drinking. On the outside, I think most people would have no idea. But I know how miserable and small my life has become. And yet I can't stop myself.

I have tried all the things I've read here. Having a plan. Distracting myself. Doing something productive. Surfing the urge. Just saying no for the day. But somehow I still come around a day or two later to thinking it's not so bad, I can have a drink. Listening to the crack of that screw top, Hearing the glug of the wine in the glass. I know it's addiction. The pleasure is only in that moment, and then nothing but misery and deprivation follows. But I repeat and repeat. The "joys" of drinking are long gone. I don't use pretty glasses. I don't drink in restaurants or on seaside terraces. I pour plastic glasses in secret in the garage or kitchen or laundry room and hide plastic tumblers behind laundry and dishes. So glamorous.

I never was a drinker before middle age .. not even in my young days in college, and never through my pregnancies and breastfeeding and days with young children. But, in my 40s, probably a little depressed and very anxious, I began to drink more and more, easily falling in with the suburban mom, book club wine-drinking thing. I never thought I was "medicating myself" but realize I probably was. It started so innocently.. joining my husband with a glass of lovely wine, discussing the vintage and variety. One bottle between us became two.

At first it was only on weekends, then Thursdays, then Sundays. Then every night. First a few glasses, then a whole bottle, and more if we had it. When I realized it was too much, I announced I was stopping. Social drinking ended. Everyone knew: Tealily only drank seltzer and "mocktails". Little did they know I would stop at the store on the way home and buy a bottle to drink in full, alone at home. Finding an excuse to run to the store, making sure I have wine. Hiding the empties. Switching stores. Cringing at the recycling truck emptying our clanging can. I never go to bars, never am drunk in public.. but every night at home when everyone is asleep, I give in. I don't even try to rationalize that "I deserve it" because I know that's stupid.. I actually "deserve" better health .. not pouring a bottle of poison through my liver .. but I do it anyway. Every morning I swear I won't, but I do it over and over and over again. I have had countless Day Ones, only to falter after Day Two.

I hope I can help someone with my story, and pray that you all can help me stop now. I want a better life, with what I have left. And I want to be better for my husband and kids. And myself. Please help me! Thank you for this community.