Ann

Tomorrow my son goes to court.

Exactly one year ago he went to court and I went with him, bailed him out (mistake) conditional on him going to a treatment program, which he did for 21 days, and he has been using most of the rest of the year, with only short periods of sobriety.

This time last year, I was a basket case. I recall how full of anxiety I was, scared, sad, angry and exhausted. Even though I was working a program, I thought that he would learn his lesson, get clean and live happily ever after. Didn't happen.

This time I am not going. He came for dinner tonight, to wash his clothes, shave and clean up for court. He has been clean for 5 days. Tomorrow is just to set a date for his trial (for shoplifting about $30 worth of stuff he could sell), but he breached his probation by quitting his most recent program and very well may have to wait in jail for his trial. He is on 3 waiting lists for new programs, but I don't know if this is for him or to avoid jail.

We talked about it, and he is okay with accepting whatever happens. I told him I was okay with it too and would say a prayer for him for wherever this part of the journey takes him.
I gave him a hug, 2 bus tickets and a pack of cigarettes.

And I am fine. I am so fine that I hve to really look at myself and feel proud and grateful for what this program has taught me this past year.

I learned to let go. To stop enabling and to let him pay the consequences for his actions.

I learned that I cannot give him money or anything he can sell for money.

I learned that all the love I could ever give him isn't enough to make him stop. And I learned that he knows I love him, even when I don't give him anything or bail him out. That is a gift.

I learned to talk to him like a human being, not an addict. I learned to treat him like I would treat any other family member or friend, including not putting up with any disrespect.

I learned that I can be compassionate and kind without enabling.

I learned that God looks after him and will show him the way, and that He is with me every moment of the day.

And I learned to laugh again, with my friends here, and to vent, cry, share, hug and pray with each one of you. And I learned to be grateful that each one of you were here anytime I just needed a friend, or even a whack with the skillet (God Bless you JT).

It is almost one year to the day that I came to these boards, and I came purely by accident (or Act of God), I don't even remember how I got here. I just know that the first person I ran into was Smoke and I knew that I was home.

So I am here tonight, not scared, worried or angry, but grateful for all that you have taught me, and grateful to Jon and Bob who keep these boards going no matter what.

And I am grateful for having the nicest people I never met right here and in my heart every single day.

Hugs to each one of you and thank you for just being wonderful.
I love you all, with all my heart.