Originally Posted by
Sasha1972 
I really appreciate the perspectives from people who are ACOAs (since that what Kid is going to be, unfortunately, through no choice of her own). I am trying to think about the long game - what can I do that can help equip her for the years to come, even if it makes her mad at me right now?
Alateen: check. Counsellor: check. Not worrying any more about spying on Kid's communications: check. Going to get in touch with youth pastor from church to ask if she can take Kid out for ice cream or tea sometime soon (no big pressure to talk, just friendly adult).
Trying to figure out how to talk to Kid about her father's issues without sounding like I'm trashing him, knowing that if she gets angry, the anger is going to land on me (because I'm the stable one whose love and presence is unconditional, so it's safe to get mad at me. Also knowing that at the moment AXH is probably a lot more "fun" than I am - he's got the cute new puppy, promises of endless screen time, buying Kid anything she wants, etc, as distinct from Mom, who's tired [because I also have a full-time-plus job in addition to this crap, while Dad's got endless free time as he's on disability] and who says things like "pick up the clothes on the floor" and "you need to eat some of your vegetables" and "no, that show's NC-17 so you can't watch it on Netflix").
I totally get this. When my ex was in his "Superdad" phase he was like that, though it only lasted as long as the custody case. I think of it as the Ferrari effect. You've got one parent (Ferrari parent) who's flashy, fun and cool, but not very safe or reliable. Then you have the Toyota Camry parent- the one who makes you brush your teeth and go to school and the whole routine, the dependable one, the "boring" one who has to take care of all the million tiny details of daily childrearing.
I have to remind myself that I am allowed to cut loose and be fun sometimes. Saturday morning I could do chores and errands, but what if I leave them for a few hours and take kiddo to the $5 matinee? I mean, even a Toyota Camry can have a sunroof. I think maybe a little chill time away from all the seriousness of the past couple weeks might be good for both of you. Just remember to close that sunroof before you drive through the car wash!
