Hey guys....
So, I am in a really dark place today, and I just wanted to reach out. It's dangerous for me to be in this kind of mood. I do stupid things to hurt myself. I can't find a way to get to a meeting today, and no one I call answers their dang phone. Maybe it's me, and I am just a loser who can't make friends. Or get her life together. or do anything normally like other people. It's devastating when you realize that you will never be, or ever have, the things you thought you would when you were a kid. Man, I wanted to be a writer, a dancer, a pastry chef. Instead, I am a junkie. That's it. Not special or anything. Just a waste.
I am so damn depressed and lonely and sad. I am one of those types of people who can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I thought that once I had some clean time, things would get better. magically fall into place or something. But the only things I have realized is that there is no white knight coming to save me. There is no way out. It's just one sucky day after another. And I am completely alone.
Anyway, I did something stupid and took 3 Xanax, 3 pain pills, and 6 tsp. of kratom. Maybe that will help fill the empty spot in my chest. But, probably not.
SR is the only place I feel like I can really be honest and talk about this stuff. Thank you guys for being here. I am sorry I am like this. I would seriously give anything to be different. Anything.
Love you guys.