I really appreciate the perspectives from people who are ACOAs (since that what Kid is going to be, unfortunately, through no choice of her own). I am trying to think about the long game - what can I do that can help equip her for the years to come, even if it makes her mad at me right now?
Alateen: check. Counsellor: check. Not worrying any more about spying on Kid's communications: check. Going to get in touch with youth pastor from church to ask if she can take Kid out for ice cream or tea sometime soon (no big pressure to talk, just friendly adult).
Trying to figure out how to talk to Kid about her father's issues without sounding like I'm trashing him, knowing that if she gets angry, the anger is going to land on me (because I'm the stable one whose love and presence is unconditional, so it's safe to get mad at me. Also knowing that at the moment AXH is probably a lot more "fun" than I am - he's got the cute new puppy, promises of endless screen time, buying Kid anything she wants, etc, as distinct from Mom, who's tired [because I also have a full-time-plus job in addition to this crap, while Dad's got endless free time as he's on disability] and who says things like "pick up the clothes on the floor" and "you need to eat some of your vegetables" and "no, that show's NC-17 so you can't watch it on Netflix").