saintoak

Two days, no alcohol. I did a really awful thing the other night while drunk which prompted this "drying out." It's impossible to avoid alcohol because it is my job in the most literal meaning. I am part-owner of a brewery in one of the hardest drinking cities in this country, and spend much of my time serving beers to people in our taproom and selling beer out in the market.

As for being sober - I'm only on day one. Last night, instead of alcohol, I finished off a bottle of narcotic painkillers left over from a surgery. My will power only works at the door. I'm great at keeping things out of the house, but I have a hard time once it is inside, if that makes any sense.

Anyway - I've been having mild panic attacks for months now due to stress, anxiety, and a sense of impending doom that sits in my ever tightening chest. I have been self-medicating heavily, very heavily, with pretty much whatever was lying around.

Last night, I went to bed without alcohol. Tonight, I am going to bed sober. I feel good about that. I'm worried about tomorrow. I think that is why I'm sharing this. Most people don't understand how difficult it is to try and go to bed sober when one cannot remember the last time. I am guessing people here understand.

Then again, it may not be appropriate for me to be writing here. I don't live in a world where never drinking again is an option. I just have to get my life together before I really hurt myself or someone else, and I think step one is sobriety.