I was trying to make shared parenting work
I tried to do that for way too long, partly because the court decided a few weeks of outpatient treatment and a little printed certificate meant my ex was cured and could have his visitation. There have been some terrific posts here about letting go of trying to make the alcoholic's relationship with the kids work. Hopeful4 had a good thread on it recently.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-epiphany.html
I know I did all of that stuff for way too long. Playing nice instead of limiting contact to the bare minimum required by the court order.
My challenge is going to be to not listen to all the arguments ex will muster for why he should still have Kid staying at his place (including, I expect, "I bought her a puppy! She'll miss her puppy!").
There's no need to listen to anything he says. Tell him to have his attorney contact your attorney and don't respond to anything directly from him. That was what finally ended my ex drunk dialing to "discuss" the custody case (ranting and making ridiculous threats and accusations until his wife took away the phone). You have all the leverage right now to protect your daughter. I wish I had struck while the iron was hot instead of messing around trying to make nice with someone who was incapable of taking our son's best interests into account in his decision-making (if you can call it that).
Sorry about the puppy. My ex could not take care of animals by himself, especially when he was drinking. His mom had to step in and do it. Maybe an anonymous call to your local humane society can get the puppy rescued and re-adopted. It wasn't possible where we were. There was one animal control officer for the entire county, so as long as an animal was registered and not dangerous, he couldn't do anything to intervene.
As far as talking to kids, I grew up in an alcoholic home having very poor/no boundaries in personal relationships, especially over things the alcoholic told me I had to do. You know that irrational guilt you feel over this situation? Your daughter feels it too, has grown up feeling bad for poor daddy, who's so nice sometimes, if only he wouldn't drink so much, so the thing that feels the least bad is to do whatever she has to do so he won't get angry or start the guilt trip manipulation.
I wish someone would have taken me to Alateen, or counseling, or at least told me that boundaries existed and that I was allowed to have them. I found recovery on my own, later in life, but not until after a lot of repeating those same kinds of bad choices I'd been making since was young.