Well, #1 & #2 are really the same thing - active & future guilt, right? FOG - any time I am acting from a place of Fear, Obligation or Guilt it is NOT a genuine, truthful interaction. I'm people pleasing, not focused on the next right thing.
Nothing helps here except practice - you have to get comfortable with "No" as a complete sentence and sitting with the discomfort of the guilt until it passes a few times. Truth is that no single method is going to remove your ability to feel FOG - it's up to you to recognize it happening & have a Plan B ready to go - "if he says/does *this* then I will respond with *that* & only *that*", etc. Eventually, this will start to feel more normal & you won't feel the tugs of guilt the way you do now.
#3 - You deal with it head-on as much as possible, involving a counselor or Alateen group if necessary/possible. This is NOT the time, IMO, to mislabel things or leave it up to her imagination to fill in the blanks. At 12 yrs old, she's already exposed to a lot of very real life stuff in middle school & while this is emotional & personal for her, you won't do her any services by sugar coating or pretending things are anything other than what they are. What happens when next time, it's not her dad picking her up drunk, but a friend or boyfriend? What do you want her to know in THAT moment? Start teaching her that now.
People had to trick him into not being able to drive away with your daughter. You have multiple, 3rd party witnesses & this is not something you orchestrated to trap him into acting badly. You have NOTHING to feel wrong about here, no matter how he tries to spin this!
