Originally Posted by
Ann 
I was sometimes asked to participate in the "family" side of my son's recovery programs and most times I chose to go. I never felt that any part of his addiction was blamed on me, nor his recovery being my responsibility. They knew I was attending meetings for codependency, CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, and they didn't push at all.
That said, if I had been uncomfortable going, or not prepared to leave if it got nasty, my own fears might have got in the way.
In the end, I understood better what was required of him in his recovery and to let him find his own way, while taking care of myself as well. I didn't have to put my needs and life aside to take care of his...and this was my son so him living on his own or in a sober living home was ever so much better than him living at home.
I hope this ends well for both of you. Preparing a Plan B is always a good idea if for no other reason than to give you the confidence that "you" have choices, regardless of his own.
Hugs
Thanks for that. I think I inwardly cringed at the idea of that family counseling session out of fear that I would be given a "job" to do to enhance his recovery. I feel like my "job" is to work on me and observe his recovery so that I can know if it's time to run and save myself. I'm still too angry and that last weekend he was here didn't give me any hope that he's in the right head place for recovery. I don't feel safe putting much emotional investment into him pulling out of this. I'm in self-protection mode, not supportive spouse mode. I'm supportive of actual recovery, sure, I'm just not in the place at the moment where I can expect it to happen or entertain any romantic notions about our relationship. I didn't know what he was capable of becoming until recently and this experience has tainted my memories. I overlooked stuff in our relationship before this crack relapse that I see more clearly now. Or I'm focusing on the negative and not feeling safe remembering the positive to protect my heart if he comes out and relapses again. My thinking probably isn't all that clear yet. I fear I'm in the eye of a hurricane.
I'm probably being a little unfair. I know that he's a good person. I had totally opened up to this man only to watch him become a selfish jackass who had no regard for my feelings. Now I'm going back over all the other times that he was selfish and emotionally neglected me and they're becoming bigger deals in my head than they were at the time. I can't bring myself to go over the beautiful and happy times, though there were many. More happy than sad by a long shot which is why watching him change hurt so much...I just can't get all sappy about them. Trust is wrecked. I hope I can gain some clarity in this month.
A lot of it is that my ego is wounded. How DARE he treat me like I don't matter? Doesn't he know who I AM?? lol.