Update
I cannot thank you all enough for your replies. It means so much to me to read them all and know how many others can relate and there is a place I can come to. It's so sad to hear some of your stories but also a reality check for me.
Is there a way I can reply to each post?
Well, luckily I haven't got drunk but I can't say I have stopped drinking. I am being very careful but am also aware it is a dangerous game I am playing here (not that it is a game at all). I want to stop but just can't. I need something else in it's place. Seriously I have thought about pot, or the pain killers I still have from when I had breast cancer last year. They would give me the release and calm I am always looking for. But I am scared to take them as I know I would just be switching from one addiction to another.
I have a wonderful councilor and am working with him to help me. I hate that a couple of beers makes me feel like so different and so happy, that feeling is so hard to walk away from.
But I also know at any time that drink is going to become my worst enemy and may even cause my death or worse, make my family suffer. Why do I still do this? I find this so sad and so hard to understand that I know all of this yet I don't stop.