Hey guys....
I'm here. Thank you all for the posts and for checking up on me. You all are amazing, and I am so grateful for SR.
So, today is day 10. Again. I haven't had a pill of any kind, except ibuprofen. No xannies, nothing. I had a huge moment this last Sunday after I read this booklet my friend gave me that she got when she was in rehab. It's called "Shame - Faced", and from the first two paragraphs, I knew I had found a huge puzzle piece to my mental picture. It was one of those moments when you feel like someone is talking directly to you. I am going to post those paragraphs below, because maybe it will help someone else, too. It opened my eyes so much I can't even tell you. After that, I had a session with my new therapist, and more puzzle pieces fell into place. I hit as many meetings as I could, and more pieces came. It was like a domino effect. I can feel my HP working in my life, and it is amazing to me to watch how things are unfolding. I feel grateful and humbled by that.
My brother had a bbq Thursday, and he invited me to come. It was just him, me, my mom, and my bro's best friend. So, nothing major. Anyways, everyone was drinking but me. And, my mom didn't want me to know she was drinking, so she stayed in the house for the most part, downing shots on the fly. But, just like she can tell when I'm high, I can totally tell when she's been drinking. So, she ended up on the couch for most of the afternoon, and I helped my bro with the bbq. We got into 2 really long talks about my using, and he told me how proud he was of me, and how much better I looked, and how he wants me to keep going. I told him about how him and his daughter are two of the main reasons I quit, and that surprised him. Not sure why. But, my point is we were able to talk honestly for the first time in forever. Or maybe ever at all. it was really amazing.
I am having a hard time explaining this. But, I felt like I really saw my mom for who she was that day. She's been lying to me and my bro about some things, and since we haven't been talking much at all lately, neither one of us realized this until we talked last week. Like, for instance, my mom kept trying to pick fights with me at the bbq. To get me all riled up so I would explode n front of my bro and she could play the innocent victim. She does that whole "I don't know why Angel's mad. I didn't do anything. Angel's just crazy. You know how she is, don't you honey??" type of thing. And then I'm the bad guy who can't control her emotions, and I use because of it. And, then she can say "Well, that's typical of Angel. I knew she couldn't stay sober."
But, this time I didn't blow up. And I didn't use. You know why?? Because I finally realized that I can say I have no control over drugs all day long, but it wasn't until I realized that I have no control over ANYTHING that I finally got it. It's the weirdest thing ever. Once I let go of everything I felt free. I felt relief. I had to give up control totally in order to get it back. It's a really ass backwards, emotional oxymoron. But, it worked. I feel better in my sobriety now than I ever have. And, even though I still want to use every second of every day, I know it will be ok. I just know now.
Ok, I've rambled on long enough. I hope I wasn't too confusing today. My brain is still in xannie wds. I haven't been posting because I've felt too confused and stupid to write. Plus, I am emotionally all over the map. happy one minute, crying the next. But, that's okay. I am learning that it's all okay. Or, it will be. As long as I don't have that first pill.
One day at a time without a safety net. I can do this.
I'm posting those paragraphs from that booklet below. I genuinely hope it helps someone else as much as it did me. What is it they say all the time at meetings?? We can only keep what we have by giving it away?? Something like that.
Have a lovely day, peeps!!
Love you guys.