Hi Amanda, I spent years when I was a child trying to make my mum like me. There's this expectation in society that mums will automatically and unconditionally love their children. A lot of us know that doesn't always happen. Dad was alcoholic but I was much closer to him because when he was sober he was really warm, loving and funny. I was devastated when he died. Still am. My mother has nothing to do with me and hasn't for many years but it still hurts when I hear about her meeting up with my siblings. The child in me always wonders why she likes them, but not me. Getting sober I've realised that my AV loves my terrible relationship with my mother. From when I started drinking at the age of 13 it has been my no. 1 trigger.
Realising this was really liberating. In a perfect world I'd love to know what's it like to have a mum who I can talk to on the phone or who listens or is interested in getting to know my kids. But in reality I've accepted that that is never going to happen. However, now instead of drinking away the hurt, I try to use it to help me become the best mum that I can be. I want to break the cycle of alcoholism and narcissism that is so entrenched in my birth family so that my children can have the childhoods they deserve.
Dealing with my no. 1 trigger means that my AV now looks for other triggers and it can always find something. After all, no one lives a charmed, stress free life. But drinking makes nothing better. I see that so clearly now. Sobriety isn't always easy because bad stuff still happens to sober people, but the bad stuff is so much easier to handle now.
I feel for you, I really do. I understand how much you miss your dad. In terms of your mum, you either need to cut her out of your life or accept her for who she is. Either way, you need to stop using your relationship with your mother as a trigger to drink. We have much in common and I'm happy to help support you through day 1 and every day after that xxx