What is this?
Things in my job have been weird. The organization is going through a restructure and people are naturally feeling scared. The threat of demotion is real.
Anyway, part of this restructure is ensuring my department (I manage a medium sized team) is financially sound. I have worked hard to ensure financial sustainability for my department. This in itself though, makes me a target. Other managers, feeling fearful, are doing whatever they can, whether it is above board or not, to hang onto their departments.
I sometimes feel that others can sense a weakness in me and they would be right! Even though I am nearly 5 years out of my abusive marriage and have no contact with my still practicing alcoholic husband, the PTSD remnants remain. Anyway, a couple of other female managers have been slyly attacking me professionally. In a meeting yesterday they outright lied in order to take a portion of business away from my department. These two are colluding against me. It feels like I'm in high school and the mean girls are bullying me!
I told my boss how I feel about these two women and that their behavior, in my opinion, could be considered bullying. One of them has tried to take over my department a couple of times.
After yesterday's meeting I felt like crying. It feels like whenever I try to defend myself against their fabrications I can't speak up properly. I COULD have stopped the portion of my department's business being transferred to the other woman's department, but to do that at the time, well I felt like I would turn into that raving lunatic that used to come out when my X was drunkenly abusing me. I was raging on the inside but unable to speak or even LOOK at these women.
I am smart and a pretty good public speaker but when I am faced with a difficult or delicate situation I just clam up. The words are there in my head but my silent rage keeps them inside.
I feel so cheated and manipulated and taken advantage of right now that I can feel the tears.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?