ohhh well.. I went back, I came back... I have no idea whats going on.
I'm pretty sure this is a kind of "cliche" topic like... but here it goes anyway
after about a period of 4 months into sobriety and regain some of those things that are mentioned in the promises, the fear was gone, I have (or at least I think I still have) a job and I was able to function within society like every other person, so I decided to pick up, at first it was a couple of tokes form a joint, or so I thought, I was able to hold up for a couple of days without doing anything else, so I tried again, but this time I would pick up some alcohol, never beers, always directly to the liquor and drank 1/8 of a bottle, this are little bottles that I thought if I bought this little bottles instead of the big ones...
I wouldnt get so messed up and everything would be fine, so the testing started, and It kind of worked for a week or two, but I had to had more, so I decided if this little 1/8 bottles dont leave me so hung over lets see if we, me and my committee, can handle 1/4 of bottles a night. and all of these while smoking pot daily, but since the pot made it to be possible to be knocked out with so little alcohol why not smoke it then. and so 4 months passed... till I got in contact with cocaine again, wich I know I was specting to ran into, and this last month its been horrible, I'm terrified, and last nite I was so afraid to close my eyes because all of the flashbacks that would come to my mind of the things I was doing on coke. so I decided to quit again... I really tried to stay sober today... I really did... I went to a meeting at noon, which I happened to be all braindead at the moment, but I heard I couple of interesting things that I'm still kind of feeling weird about... things like revolving doors, damn it... I really wish I could remember what the other guy said... well but it was all for nothing... cuz when I got and was alone in my room... going all crazy... I decided to go to the trash can outside my house and pick up some weed I had thrown in there earlier today. I feel so useless right now...
now I'm here... and I also happened to had a couple of shots of rubbing alcohol. since I'm too scare to go outside to buy booze. thinking yo my self
WHY DID I PICKED UP ???
I still cant figure it out...