Jo, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Remember, life is not always rosy for an addict. They live with a lot of guilt which causes other issues in its self.
You need to take care of yourself. Make sure you keep all eye dr. appointments and reach out to a therapist if you can. You can't live in the hell you have been going through for ever. It is only temporary as hard has that is to comprehend right now. We are here for you, and you can get through this!!