I am so very grateful to have stumbled across SR. It's so comforting to know others have felt these feelings & have made it through to the other side. Honestly losing my eyesight is my biggest fear-I know my heart will heal one day & im mostly ok with starting over from scratch financially. Just want some peace and to not feel like my insides are jittering all the time. No contact is not an option right now. AH comes over every day to "watch " the kids after school. Some days that means sleeping on the couch & some days he is good. He cooks dinner most nights (although sometimes it's a little crispy if he's been sleeping) and leaves when I get home. He always asks me for a hug-sometimes saying he loves me, sometimes saying his feelings have changed. I've texted him on my way home & asked him to leave before I get there but he usually manages to hang around. I keep praying that my heart will harden towards him but so far no luck-even though I know he is awful for me.