Checking In
According to my sign-up date here, I ought to be nearly 2.5 years sober. I'm not. I fell back, time and again. I thought I could handle it, or maybe I just didn't care. Too much loneliness, too much pain, not enough love or companionship.
But I am seven months sober today. To say that it has been the fight of my life is an understatement.
I do believe that there is something to the Kindling Effect and Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I've "quit" a bunch of times. Sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. It gets harder each time. More agonizing.
I drank a LOT for a long time. How I survived the 90's is beyond me. I managed to slow down in the 00 decade, but I kept feeding the monkey. It stayed hungry.
It's unfortunately true: Everything is tougher after age 50. There's a lot of dependency over those decades. It all started with my father giving me beer and wine in my pre teen years. I didn't argue. He should have been locked up.
But I hold no blame. Every time I took a drink in my life, it was MY choice.
I digress. I'm doing better than I ever have in my life, but the fight continues. After seven months I don't wonder how the heck I can possibly make it through a weekend without drinking. The beer and wine section of the store no longer torments me. I look back upon my life and see the insanity it was. And could be again so very, very easily.
Relapsing is always a mistake, and tomorrow always comes with a vengeance. The same problems which made us wish to quit quickly come calling. Only they are worse.
If you're struggling with it in early days, stay strong. The tomorrow that comes with sobriety is a good one. I've had seven horrible months, but they have also been satisfying in ways. And it *does* get better. The best is yet ahead for me, and also for you. There is life after drinking. Believe it.
As for me, I cannot go back. Not this time. I am engaged to be married and my soon-to-be wife knows about my struggles. I could lose it all, or have paradise with a beautiful family--the first real one I've ever really had.