Sunflower92

Hello,
I am very new to this. I was looking up things online and came across this page and thought to give it a go.
I am 24 and I have a alcoholic mother and sister.
But, this post is mainly with my mother.
I still live at home but I spend most my time with my boyfriend and may be moving out during the summer. My mother has been an alcoholic since Jr. High. It all started with my verbally abusive father(raging alcoholic). He ended moving out and they got a divorce. My mother went to rehab for a month after a expected suicide attempt (I found her that morning. Alcohol and pills). Fast food, she is still struggling. She has her good moments and bad. I love the good moments...
But when she has her bad moments I loose control. I just get So mad I see red and turn horrible. I say things I don't mean and I know when I say them I will be regretting them. I love my mom so much and seeing her in that state kills me. I'm TERRIFIED Of losing my mother. She means the world to me and the thought of losing her... I can't bare it....
I don't know why I lash out in the way I do. Why i see red and turn so mean.... I just get So scared seeing her that way.
And I been away more and more lately.... I have s boyfriend I may move in with and i spend most my time with him. Being at my home makes me sad.... she sleeps on the couch(she works nights) and seeing her sleep on the couch like she use to when I was younger is so hard to see.... it kills me inside. But I feel so guilty. Guilty for leaving her. I am the youngest of 3 and if/when I move out she will be alone. Thinking of her alone in that apt on her couch makes me so sad.....
I don't know what to do. I don't know why I act so mean and horrible when I catch her drinking and lying to me about it...

I been dealing with anxiety disorder for a very long time and OCD thinking and also PTSD from my childhood.
Dealing with this plus my sister is getting really hard. I had a meltdown the other night and I feel so lost and confused.
I'm trying to go through college bit it's been so hard trying to do the work needed when I have all this pressure. I am the only one trying to help my mother and the pressure is unreal.
My mother is a wonderful person who never says a cruel word to me. I just want her happy again....


Please. I need advice. I don't know what to do nor think..