Embarrassed and Crawling Back
It has been a while since I have been here. I had a major setback after a series of events. I was doing so good. A major blowout with my husband first set me off. I was out of work and stressed from not being able to pay our bills. I found out he was turning down overtime that would have saved us. My anger and frustration got the best of me. This was not like him. He knew we weren't able to pay our bills. I lost it and drank, of course thinking just once to take the edge off. Yeah right.
Shortly after, I found out my Mother was ill. We have been estranged for years after I had enough of being the family scapegoat. She wasn't just ill, she was dying. I managed to gather enough strength to travel to see her. It was ok. She had end stage lung cancer. From the time of her diagnosis to death was a month. I had a huge blowout with my sister and was told not to come back to see my mother. My sister is a horrible human and dead to me now. I was shut out of the funeral and arrangements while my husbands youngest daughter was invited to sit with MY family. I did go to the service with some other family and friends. I was not allowed to sit up front. Mind you, I had not done anything wrong. That is just my family dynamic and my disgusting sister. I will never speak to her again in this lifetime. I lost any hope of a future relationship with my nieces when I did not just sit down and shut about this. Everyone now knows what my sister did to me.
So what did I do out of hurt? I hurt myself even more by drinking. That is my pattern. I am exhausted now though and ready to be done with this ****. Sometimes I think I am too damaged to be strong enough to stay quit. I am not sad my mother is dead. She tormented me my whole life. I wished for this day more times than I could count. I was hoping she would die early (she was 65) so that I could live the rest of my life with some peace. I am not feeling how I thought I would feel about it. My anger at my sister overwhelms what should be relief for me.
All I know is that I feel like crap and do not want to drink anymore. The sneaking and hiding is exhausting. My husband and I are good now. I am sure he knows, but has said nothing. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I was so weak. I just want to live a normal life not drinking.