Originally Posted by
RainyAZ 
I always resist the urge by remembering what happened the last few times I got drunk (ruined my nieces wedding 2 years ago, risking my family, blackouts etc.) but then, there is the urge where I actually convince myself I can handle it and will just have one or two drinks to take away the urge and no-one will ever know. Well, that may work on occasions but it will always end up with me not being able to stop and risking everything. So how can I convince myself I can handle it when I prove over and over again I can't?
I have tried AA meetings but they are not for me .
Tried counseling and even hypnosis
Yours is a very common pattern. I was a binge drinker and the only difference between my pattern and yours is I hade less time between binges.
I had no effective mental defense against the fatal first drink. Exactly as you described, I could avoid a drink by thinking of the consequences on occasion. But there were so many times that those thoughts did not come or, if they did, were easily pushed aisde in favor of the insane notion that this time would be different. I found this well explaind in the AA big Book.
I tried AA meetings, counselling, a compulsory stay in the laughing academy, sheltered accomodation, and a number of other things. Nothing worked.
Then, as a last resort, I tried the AA program, actually taking the steps, and never drank again.
Your problem is the same as mine, how to find a totally reliable 24/7 defence against the fatal first drink. I found it through the steps. My sobriety is not dependent on meetings. I have been sober quite a while, been through lifes ups and downs, and it never occurs to me to drink. The problem has been removed.