Progress and backslide
Some good news before I start whining and crying!
My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She is not in this country right now but she will be visiting in two months with my nephew. I was so happy for her and so excited for our family. Even with my depression, I could feel overwhelmed and happy that we have a beautiful new addition to our family now. This was yesterday morning. And then a sudden wave of sadness hit me. The fact that my XABF and I were together when my sister was in college, when she found her love, when she got married, when she became pregnant the first time and then this time. But not now. Not when she had her baby. I think that's what it was that triggered the sadness. And then I broke down at work today. After almost two weeks.
I thought I was making progress with my meds, by reading posts/books but then today, I checked his Facebook profile from another account and saw that he has changed his picture and cover photo. I know I shouldn't have but this just reminded me that EVERYONE is replaceable. I even think maybe he cheated on me or something and that's why he broke up. I am not sure about anything anymore. They don't tell you when they'll leave. They don't tell you why. They just leave. And the pieces of your heart are scattered in all the places that you've been together. Nothing matters. They tell you one day they will die in your arms, next day they are fighting over which furniture they paid for. It's f u c k ing crazy, this love. Did he love me? Was I ever loved? Could this all be a nightmare? I don't know. Only he knows.