Originally Posted by SueLiz

First, I've been "lurking" around SR for about three years and it's been hugely helpful getting me to detox. Now I REALLY need it! This is my first post, so here goes…

I started taking Fioricet when I was probably 19. A doctor prescribed it for my migraines which were horrendous in college. I took them like a "normal" person for about ten years. Not sure what happened. I moved to Chicago, new job, separated from my first husband, lots of stress…and somehow I ended up taking them not just when I had a headache, but because of how they made me feel. I was more confident, more outgoing, nothing bothered me when I took my "pills." I knew I was taking them every day, but I didn't realize how addictive they were. I was taking maybe six to eight a day (sometimes less), but I was taking them EVERY DAY. Moved back to Boston, then got a new job in SF…fast forward about five years, and I was taking at least ten to twelve a day. Remarried, had three boys in six years, went back to a very stressful job, and somehow during the next fifteen years, I had six doctors, multiple pharmacies, a "friend" of my parents who owned a pharmacy and gave me 100 a week for years, trips to Mexico bringing bottles of 500 back over the border - and yep, I was in a panic if I had less than 14-16 a day. I went a few years when I was up to 20 Fioricet a day. And I'm 5'4" and weigh maybe 115. I was in a nightmare. I felt like my whole life was controlled by my addiction. How many pills do I have? Do I have enough to get through the weekend and to work on Monday? Enough for vacation? Enough for my next business trip? My entire mood was controlled by "do I have enough, and will I run out and have seizures or a heart attack?" I had run out for 24 hours once or twice and I remember the shaking hands, anxiety, heart racing, not being able to sit still, throwing up…I remember when I was just close to running out and yelling at everyone around me because I was so irritable and scared, all the crazy stories I made up talking to doctors, pharmacists, and my wonderful, patient husband. He's known I've been an addict now for about four years and he's tried to talk to me about it but I wouldn't listen. We'd have huge fights, but he hung in there.

I finally came to my senses and realized I was so sick and tired of living life like this. It wasn't a life. I was totally controlled by my little "friends." I made the decision to get help, and within a month I had checked myself into a week long detox. I was so scared walking through that door. But, my husband dropped me off and said, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and you are really strong." And he was right. It took a week of tapering me down with phenobarbital. I never thought I could go 24 hours and tomorrow it will be two weeks. I'm not going to lie, I miss them. When I read back, I don't know why. I guess it's that high (although I never thought I was high), but I was. I had a little more energy, a little more get-up and go, I was a little more "me." At least that's how it felt. I feel good now, but I feel like a pastel version of myself. I'm not going to ever go back on them (funny, my headaches are actually BETTER now that I'm not taking the Fioricet.) So thankful that other than the initial awful rebound headaches the first few days in detox, I've been OK. But, now I'm just hopeful that someday all the color will come back into my life. I do find I am so much more patient with my kids and my husband and the people who work for me. I don't have to talk so much, and I'm quieter. I am like a slightly altered version of me. Does anyone else feel like that? How long does it last? Or is this me, not "drunk" on Fioricet? I've been back at work a week, and it's been hard. I've gone to work, come home and I have no incentive to do anything. My husband is amazing. I work and he has been the primary caretaker for our boys. He says to just relax and things will get better. He likes me more this way (sober!) and although my boys don't know about the detox, I know I'm better with them. But everything is just a little…gray? Am I making any sense? I don't have anyone to talk to about this that can relate to what I'm going through. Is this PAWS? Or am I just romanticizing how I used to feel? It's kind of scary thinking my life will always be grayish feeling.

Anyway, any advice or thought would be appreciated!