Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for replying.
I responded to everyone below.
Today is a new day and I woke up still feeling overwhelmed and sick to my stomach. But I logged on immediately since I posted this last night and can feel your virtual hugs - I still feel so alone in this, but I'm really glad I have found this forum and can read your words and take them in. Thank you all for the welcome...
abbccj03 & ariesagain, I appreciate the welcome and the hugs.
So many of your statements resonated with me:
That challenging an alcoholic and "getting in their way" of drinking will make them defend by attacking. (PhoenixJ)
This unfortunately makes sense, but I can't help challenging because I don't understand why it's like this in the first place. I get that it's their addiction, but I cannot comprehend how I can be treated like that from someone who is supposed to love me?
That this sick feeling in my stomach is fear and my autonomic nervous system is in "fight or flight" mode.
That I'm paying for the good times and they should be free. That I shouldn't have to suffered through the bad times for the fleeting good moments. (dandylion)
You're so right... I should be in a healthy relationship where good times are a-plenty and where the good times outweigh the bad. Is there such a thing as a relationship where the good times keep coming? Everything you said makes sense - so why can't I bring myself to leave, move on, heal, find the happiness in my life?
That the drinkers in his world don't want him to quit drinking - just to keep it "under control" or "not be a jerk" when he is drinking. (LexieCat)
Wow... I feel like I knew this, but just to have someone else articulate it to me like you did... it's such a sad reality. I've been struggling because I feel like there is NO ONE ELSE to help and no one to talk to in either of our circle of family and friends. Can't talk to his side because they don't see the severity of the situation and only see him for a few hours at a time, whereas I get the brunt of the drunken episodes... and can't talk to my side because I am ashamed that I haven't been able to leave and don't want to admit to my side how bad it gets.
When the pain of staying in the situation becomes greater than your pain of leaving, you'll do what's best for your life. (atalose)
I've heard this quote before and it helped me during a college breakup. But sometimes, I feel so dumb - like... how many red flags and final straws do there have to be for it to make me take action?? There's been things said and done where, if I was on the outside looking in, I'd clearly tell me to get the hell out. So I would THINK that the pain has been too much, and yet I'm still here. How much more can I take??
It's awesome that I took him to a meeting and went to his first class with him... but he retracted and it didn't matter what I did for him. (Smarie78)
OMG. How absolutely true and painful is that???? That felt like a stab to the heart, but it's so true. I have been trying to take care of him, but he is not wanting it for himself and he chooses to go back to drinking over continuing on a better path.
That my efforts are futile until he recognizes he has a problem and doesn't want to live this way anymore. (Smarie78)
I'm starting to be really frightened that this is just showing me, after starting AA 8 weeks ago and 8 weeks of sobriety... that this episode of sliding back isn't going to be the last. *sick to my stomach again*
How they expect us to not be impacted by their behavior and just be intimate with them. (Smarie78) I want to hug you just because I hate that feeling when it happens and you know what it feels like too.
OVERALL - what I've taken from all your replies is that I need to keep reading and educating myself. And I will for sure look up Al-Anon meetings in my area. I wasn't aware of their purpose, but I need to find a group to help me non-digitally!
Please don't leave me. I don't want this thread to die, because I feel like I'm going to come running back here often. I need to feel like I have support and someone is listening.
Thank you.