Welcome Ichimatsu,
I wanted my cake and eat it too. As Dee said, I had to choose between being a drunk or being happy. You know what you have to do or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find the strength to get sober and find a plan that keeps you sober. You will be able to achieve everything you want if you find sobriety. Only thing you'll miss out on in sobriety is shame, guilt, paranoia, fear, anger, and being helpless. Good luck and many prayers