Hi everyone!
My BF and me managed to end our fight and I feel much better. He came over on Thursday and almost left again when I told him that his shouting scared me. I said that if he goes again, we'll never work through this and that we can't run away from facing this discussion and working our way through, if we both want this relationship to continue. He stayed and the next day after some thinking he said that he now thinks that my therapist is right and that he can't shout at me, that it's not comparable to crying and that he is too sensitive and feels attacked too easily. I also apologised for being so insecure at the moment and not trusting him like I should. He never gave me the slightest reason to be jealous so I shouldn't let the negative image I have of myself affect my trust in him so much.
I think it's the same as some of you described. If something goes well, I get suspicious and try to find any evidence for my doubts and worries. So this is the first relationship that I'm happy in and I can't believe that he still is interested in me even though he knows about all my issues. We spoke about this today too and came to the conclusion that we both need to learn to have more trust in life in general.
Old me would've kept doubting my BFs love for me and explained to him how tiny aspects of his behaviour fuel my worries and how this and that he said makes it seem like he doesn't love me as much. And I would've done that drunk, with too many tears involved. Really giving him no chance to explain but a real reason to start questioning our relationship. This then, would've been the ultimate proof for me that I was right all along. I don't want to go down this route again. So I decided to simply trust him and life. Thinking about this I came to the conclusion that that might be what all the higher power talk is about. To let go of wanting to have control over everything in life and to simply have faith and trust instead.
After we discussed that, the weekend was just lovely and relaxing. I baked a cake and cinnamon buns, cooked some healthy dinners to make up for all the chocolate, painted eggs while my BF was drawing and on Sunday my mum came over.
Also on Thursday I ran 14k which is the longest for me so far. I absolutely love running. It does wonders too my mood. Unfortunately I won't be able to run for some days cause I have a bad tonsillitis... I need to find alternatives to keep my depression at bay.
The good thing about being ill is, that it reminded me of how annoying it is, when I'm not clear headed. Whenever I have a bad cold I get so much brain fog and basically feel like I'm slightly drunk. Which, without doubt, can be nice sometimes but most of the time it's just annoying when I want to use my brain but I can't. And when I was still drinking everyday, I absolutely HATED it that I HAD to drink (to fight the shakiness and anxiety and to be able to eat) which then made it impossible to study or think clearly. So feeling very similar due to the tonsillitis and fever is a very good reminder. Trying very hard to be optimistic and seeing the positives in everything here. I like to think that this is the reason why I got ill because last week I was in serious doubt about my addiction and I think it was a big step towards relapse.
Happy belated birthday to you Solly!
Poppy, it made me happy when I read that you discovered running for yourself. Do you enjoy it as much as I do? I need to sell stuff on eBay too, but it's so time consuming!
Good to see you here again, Steely! I was hiding under a rock lately too. To me it makes total sense that the yoga helps. From my experience my body and soul are very connected. That's why running helps me so much!
Well done on standing up for yourself! And I have to work on my eating too. Whenever I feel bad I stop taking care of myself and it often results in not eating or eating crap. I hope your anxiety gets better soon. Have you tried Passion flower tea? I rediscovered it lately and maybe it's just a placebo but I find it helps.
That sounds exhausting with your sister, Plenny. Blocking her seems very reasonable to me. I think putting yourself first is the right way to go here and something many of us struggle with.
Hugs to you LSW! Did you have an okay weekend in the end?
Kenton, that's really nice what you said about our bodies still remembering what normal is and how to fix themselves. I always get so frustrated with my body and mind if I don't make constant progress (or at least not in a visible way) so I need to remember your words. And also work on my self esteem and not feeling like everything is my fault or responsibility. That's probably one of my main areas to work on. Oh and the worrying too. Whenever something's going well, I feel like I shouldn't trust it to protect myself in case it gets taken away from me. I can't allow myself to be happy and care free. It's crazy how many similarities most of us have in this class.
Hope you had a lovely vacation with your hubby and friends, badge!
Wishing everyone a great start into the new week!