What is recovery?
Recovery isn't just conquering the urge to drink. Recovery isn't about a constant struggle with the demons tormenting you to pick up the bottle. Recovery starts when you've taken a good long look at why the allure of going full blotto is so seductive to you, and have taken the first steps toward overcoming these obstacles. When this happens, those demons start to leave you alone. It won't happen overnight, nor in a month. And if you're like me, you might spend a lifetime trying to crack the code in all of its glorious, minute detail. But that doesn't mean that the journey can't be a sweet and wonderful process of self-discovery.
I seriously doubt that any of us got here because we just loved the taste of booze so much that we simply lost control. No, we're here because we all used alcohol to fill a void (or two, or three...) in our lives. The void could be loneliness, fear, self-doubt, anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, or a combination of these. These feelings made us uncomfortable, they gnawed at us and tormented us. Alcohol was the perfect cure - but only as long as we continued to drink. When we sobered up, they were waiting for us in all their grotesque, treacherous glory, just aching to torment us again.
For me, it was depression and self-doubt. And no, I haven't been "cured" of these yet. They still creep into my day at unexpected times. But when they do, I now have the courage to face them down, knowing that they're only temporary. Reaching for a bottle isn't going to help, and I now know that deep within my soul.
And you know something? It goes away just as quickly as it comes on now. Instead of the crippling, booze-fueled depression lasting for months, I can usually shake it off with a good workout, meditation (note: not mediCation!) and an hour or two chatting with my besties here on SR.
Recovery isn't the path of least resistance. But it is the path of greatest reward.
Have a beautiful, sober day!
Fitch