Help!
Hi all. I hope that you're all having a wonderful Easter and thank you in advance for reading this post.
It's going to be kind of long...
I was a shy only child and discovered at the age of 15 that alcohol could make me the kind of person who didn't feel self conscious under the influence. Due to a good family upbringing, I never really took up full scale with alcohol until I was 26, but I have gone to hell and back with the substance ever since. I recently turned 47, and I am a loving, working mum. Yet something happened to my child, and I missed the signs, probably because I was drinking diluted wine while I wasn't drinking.
I kidded myself because I was only drinking diluted wine these days (to get to my job an to pass random breath tests the next day).
I told myself that it was OK when it really wasn't...
Now I risk losing my child.
I am also scared because I haven't seen a doctor in many years and am having many symptoms.
In this past week, I have been meditating every single night and have listened to so many AA speaker tapes. I have done so many meditations and feel that I am at least in a good place when it comes to connecting with mindfulness.
In the last week, I have had 4 completely sober nights, with only 2 controlled drinking episodes (4 drinks each) and 1 drunken night (no child with me).
Tonight I went to my first AA meeting in years. I was ready to go back, got something from the shares, and yet managed to find my way to a bottle shop after many detours to have that last drink.
I'm scared.
It's my health. My bottom teeth are rotten, parts of my lower gum are turning grey, and my lower lip keeps peeling. My urine is not healthy.
I have to keep functioning but I am scared to stay sober because I am ...well...I am scared.
I can't go to AA meetings with no teeth.
I am scared to go to doctors.
So I keep drinking.
I really want to stop.
My daughter needs me. This is scary.