Frustrated,
Oh sweetie..I feel your pain..My older brother committed suicide in October 1999. He was 34 and would be turning 40 this year.. He was a really talented photographer who lived in NYC but was really affected by this disease..
I still cry when I hear certain Led Zeppelin songs and also "Dreamweaver"..
I miss him and feel sad sometimes that he wont' be at my wedding (when I get married)..but I am happy he is not suffering anymore..he was a really unhappy person and not in any recovery..
It will get better for you. I keep pictures of him up and I talk about him to people that I meet. I don't want to forget..
Every year I go back East to his grave and I sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him..I don't ever want to forget him..
Every year it's gotten better for me..This year I'll do something to remember him on his birthday (October 2) and the anniversary of his death (October 25). As part of my 9th step in Alanon I wrote a letter to him telling him how much I missed him..
I'm starting to tear up as I write this..
Hang in there!
Big hug,
Del