Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us. There is lots of help out there if you've decided that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and want to learn to like, and eventually love yourself again.
There are so many of us here who know exactly how you feel at the moment. Those conflicting feelings about alcohol. Partly i wanted to ditch it for good, knowing that it was affecting things in my life badly, but at the same time I was petrified about filling the void it would leave if it was taken away. And who I would be without it. I'm so thankful today that folks here and at AA helped me to lean into my fears and do it anyway. Life is so, so , so much better without alcohol in it.
I hope you come back today, and continue to read and post, and that you reach out for support in ditching alcohol.
BB