I agree with you Desert.... I tried and failed many many times at getting clean/sober. For me drugs was my thing but I would get some clean time from my DOC and go "well I can drink a beer" or "I can smoke some pot" and so on and then within a day or so i'm back to using my DOC iv. So I had to really get to step one before I could move on and work on myself. Thank God I finally got step one. For me: to drink or to drug is to die. Also to forget where I came from can equal death. So it is always important for me to play the tape and KNOW where it will lead,. I believe my fear of relapsing is a very healthy fear. It's kind of like when I see new comers pick up a silver chip it is great for me to see because it always reminds me... Reminders can never be bad