Originally Posted by
venuscat 
Things were far far too hard for me when I got here...there was a lot that wasn't as it seemed...I know that is a bit cryptic, but it is not all up to me to talk about. Suffice to say that things got very real last night, and Nick and I have a chance to be the couple we actually are now.
Which is a very good thing. ♥
Yes, a very good thing... I feel much more myself now, and I am starting to see my Suze coming back to life.
Things have been very difficult between Suze and me, for many reasons.
Nothing was as expected when she arrived. As I was setting up our apartment and our life here, I ran into many unexpected issues (the apartment has many, many problems, for example). I chose to ignore the issues rather than addressing them, and I chose not to tell Suze about the issues. I think I was holding out hope that some miracle would happen and I would be able to magically rectify everything before she got here. Obviously that did not happen.
Once she arrived I was confronted immediately with the reality of the situation. By ignoring issues and not addressing them or talking to Suze about them I gave her a very false impression about what would happen when she got here. At that point I had not just ignored the problems, but I had mislead her. She arrived into a situation that was very different from what she expected, and she arrived to a Nick who was stressed out beyond belief. I was unable to relax and just be myself, which made her unable to settle in and be comfortable after a very difficult move.
From that point forward, rather than simply admitting my mistakes and dealing with them, I started to deflect blame and find fault everywhere but with myself. Inside, however, I was tearing myself apart over what had happened. And, again, instead of finding the strength within myself to stand up and address the issues, I was begging Suze to save me and make me feel like I was not a complete failure.
Through all of this, Suze has been amazingly resilient, and has never given up, though she has quite understandably wanted to on many occasions.
Last night I finally admitted what had happened.... not just to Suze, but also to myself. When I finally allowed myself to fully see and feel what had happened, everything became clear and the stress I had been keeping myself in vanished.
I am no longer resisting the truth. I now know how to move forward. And moreover, I now know how to help Suze move forward into our new life here in America. I am not ready to forgive myself for what I have done, but as I continue to move forward and behave like myself -- like the man I respect -- I can regain my self respect and move on, and Suze will finally be able to be herself and feel at home here in America.