Originally Posted by
dwtbd 
I think your AV has you convinced that you are in store for a long tortuous future of multiple instances of hoping you make the right decision and act on it.
When you have made a BP and try a shifting exercise the squirming is from IT , you don't squirm and hope to come out on the 'right' side of the arugment or debate, you go in on the right side of it.
^^
You really nailed it here. I should not be going into it wondering if I will win the debate. I shouldn't be allowing the debate to go on in the first place. I could feel my confidence in my ability to stay sober eroding almost as soon as we landed and beers were being handed out in the airport and everyone was drinking and celebrating. I think 30 days into this was too soon for an all inclusive resort type trip and yes I see the AV in that statement. But after I didn't drink said beer I really felt like I had it! I was so proud of myself and kept marveling at the fact that I wasn't consumed with the obsession and that I was really genuinely enjoying myself..... until that damn virgin cocktail.
You are also right about me being afraid of a life time of constantly being tested. I've also allowed IT to convince me that I won't always pass these tests. I've got a lot of thinking to do. And I really have learned from this, picking up that cocktail and having some more once I knew it had alcohol has been on my mind constantly since it happened. Makes me feel weak and stupid and judged. God I hate the shame with this ******* addiction!
There's nothing I can do now except for keep moving forward.