Hi wtbh. My heart started pounding just reading your post. I have a 12 year old daughter who struggled terribly last year in school. Dropping her off in the morning at school felt like I was sending her into combat. She is an only and very sensitive, so she was an easy target for teasing. She is also very tall so she physically stands out. Her best friend transferred out of the school two years ago, as her mom was a teacher who was let go during a staff reduction. That mom, who had taught the class told me that it is a very difficult class (it is an all girls school). And all the queen bee/mean girl dynamics are already in play.
I spent a lot of time talking/reading books with my daughter. The one thing that has saved the day was getting her involved in an activity she loved away from the school. She rides horses so we joined a barn close to home and it has been a godsend. The other girls that ride there are from various other schools in the area, and she has made the most wonderful, down to earth, happy and kind group of friends. The difference today (she is now in 6th grade) from a year ago is staggering.
The interesting thing is that the situation at school has not really improved that much, but she just doesn't care so much. She has become passionate about horses and her confidence has grown because she feels loved and accepted by a group of girls that in my opinion are fine human beings.
I talked to her a lot last year about Eleanor Roosevelt's quotes like. " great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people". I acknowledged that what she was going through was painful and offered her the concept that these situations even exist as an adult woman for me. But I continually urged her to not get bogged down in the muck of meanness and smallness. We talked a lot about what would drive someone to hurt other people and the fear based mentality of girls who were followers. There are some really good books out there. I did talk to the counselor at school but to be honest they seem most interested in just keeping the peace.
I admire my daughter's integrity, and i think she has a lot of inner grit. She got teased a lot because I rescue stray cats and apparently this is not in vogue. She is very empathetic and vigorously defended these animals. We had a lot of discussions about how being different is a sign of confidence and how we could buy pedigree animals to check a box, but in reality standing up for any living being that can't defend itself is a brave choice.
I would continue to keep her focused on the long game. I hate to say it but I think a lot of times the mean girls are byproducts of a household that is tolerant of unkindness. There were a few times that my daughter felt accepted by someone and I caught her lapsing into meanness and I reminded her of what it felt like to be that girl. And I do think jealousy plays a role. I continued to remind my daughter over and over that no one exceptional is going to come from being a mean person or a follower. And while I was sympathetic to her day to day plight, I tried to also keep her aware of the immensity of the world, significant women in history, and the fact that she needs to keep her chin up and stay true to the values that she knows are right.