So...as many of you know, my three children and I left my AH on March 13th. We currently live with my parents, which is affording me the opportunity to get back on my feet in so many ways.
On financial and everyday living fronts, my AH:
moved our family (6 years ago) to a very northern area of our province which was 7 hours from my family so that he could start a new job and we could purchase a large acreage on which to start a 'farm'; spent money like it was water and kept us in constant (and incredibly stressful for me but not him) debt; even after buying a property, AH always wanted a 'better' farm but was never happy with the dozens we looked at over the years; sabotaged every farm-based business that I got up and running (the farming gig was his 'dream' - more like a nightmare - but he never took the initiative to do anything and then destroyed everything I tried to do to make things happen; refused to take care of or repair anything we owned (house, vehicles) even though he is quite capable and even works as a mechanic (and because of our debt load, I couldn't afford to pay anyone to do the work); didn't take proper care of our farm animals (as in, he couldn't be bothered ensuring that they had water and sufficient food every day...
) so in addition to everything I had on my plate daily, I had to look after his 'dreams' as well - and then he would get angry at me for doing it! (sorry...I refuse to allow anything to not have the care it deserves); and so on and so on.
You get the picture. NOW: I have my own bank account for the first time in 7.5 years, and it isn't in a perpetual state of overdraft (in fact, I've already paid off two of the three debts that are mine via equalization in the Separation Agreement) ! My parents and I are pooling our resources to take care of everything (their mortgage-free house, our vehicles)! As much as I miss all of the animals, I am no longer stretched to my limits to do my own work plus his (in addition to dealing with his everyday abusive and alcohol-based behaviour)! I have interviews coming up for some great jobs! I am choosing courses for university distance education to further my credentials (I loved university and college, and I can't wait to get back to it)!
To sum it up, MY FUTURE LOOKS BRIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS! My stress levels have dropped to record lows. My blood pressure has returned to normal after literally years of serious issues. Although my hair is still falling out more than usual as the result of sustained long-term stress, I believe it will stop doing so now that my environment has changed.
And MY THREE CHILDREN ARE AS HAPPY AS LARRY! They're all doing incredibly well at their new schools already. They've made friends and are very much at ease. The area we returned to happens to be where we lived before moving north with AH. Amenities are all close by (it's a four-seasons area), including a beautiful body of water that I spent my Summers swimming in throughout my childhood. My youngest son (the only one I have with my AH) has not asked about or spoken of his Dad since we moved, nor has my AH asked to see him or speak to him. However, he's laughing and singing all of the time. He's thrilled to go to school every day and comes home filled with stories about his day. I asked him how he's doing with his Dad not living with us, and his response was "great!".
Anyway...I guess I just wanted to share with all of you just how much my life and the lives of my children have improved since leaving my AH. We don't live in a state of perpetual doom and gloom with a depressed, drunk, not present, abusive shell of a man who is slowly killing himself each and every day. We can buy groceries and other necessities without the fear of not having enough money in the account because AH bought alcohol with it. We can actually live our lives and be happy without it attracting his anger. At times over the course of my marriage to AH, I had actually resigned myself to a life of debt (because as soon as money came in, he had it spent and then went on to use credit - I tried countless ways to prevent him from doing it but he always found a way around it) and unhappiness. It felt like I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't, in absolutely every facet of my existence. Always caught between a rock and a hard place. I hoped that one day my AH might 'get it' and stop doing the same unsuccessful things over and over again. But that was the only hope I had left. I felt 'stuck' in every way, shape and form. For my kids and their future, I found the courage to leave my AH. And now I'm learning to take care of myself again, too.
This is my unique story, and I don't advocate that anyone else either stay or leave. We each need to do what we feel is right for us.
It is wonderful to go to sleep at night and look forward to waking up to a bright new day the next morning. I'm obviously still dealing with some emotional fallout from my marriage. In the meantime, my current goal is to squash my codependent tendencies. Now that I've really wrapped my mind around it, I know what I need to do to make some positive changes in that regard.
Thanks for reading! Thank you to all of you for your support and wise input. And Al-Anon and individual counseling were blessings as well. I plan to start back up with them here as well. I don't know where I'd be without all of you, though. (((((HUGS)))))
