lizatola

Not sure how many of you have ever been in this position, but dang, I am really struggling in my role as a step parent (well, we're not married but technically it's my role here). It's more thankless than being a parent. You don't have a parent/child relationship with someone else's kids. You can care for them, love them as human beings, but your patience just isn't the same as it is with your own children.

I try to use my program and practice detachment. Never realized how useful program would be even when I'm not dealing with active addiction anymore.

My bf's kids are kids, plain and simple. But, his house rules are so very different than mine. He is far more lenient than I am about certain things. He allows behaviors and actions that are bordering on unacceptable to me. I often feel like a glorified maid service and even though I did those things when I was raising MY son and married, I find that my attitude about them is different in this scenario. I'm not serving MY family, I'm serving another family that isn't mine and I don't get any recognition for it. Well, I didn't get recognition before either, but it's harder in the role I'm in today to just continue to serve people who aren't my flesh and blood. I feel like God just picked me up and plopped me down in the middle of a family and said, "Here you go. Now, go serve them, adapt to their schedules and their habits and their communication styles, and take ME with you because you'll need it." It's like I'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. They have their patterns of behavior already set and they know each other intimately. I'm the outsider and it often makes me feel very alone.

To be honest, I am jealous of his children because they come first. While I know my son comes first to me, as well, my son is 18 and uses me as more of a sounding board and seems to need me less as in the 'parent' role today. Which basically means that I can give my relationship with my bf much more time and energy than he can give to me/us. It's also hard because my bf has an autoimmune condition that sometimes makes him less available to all of us. He's often in pain or overly tired and I know this disease combined with aging will take it's toll on him.

I just needed to come on here to vent. I don't think my bf understands. He and my son get along ok, but my son is rarely here. He already has a dad, even if that is a huge dysfunctional mess itself. My bf has put me in a role with his kids where I pick them up from school a few times per week, I cook dinners, fold their clothes, clean the house, play board games with them, take them to get their haircut (apparently they want me to do this instead of their mom), and help with schoolwork.

It's just really hard, you know? I didn't realize just how hard it would be. His youngest has some emotional issues, which I've shared about here before, that also tend to rule the house and I wonder how bad that will get once she's a teen. She's extremely attention seeking, filled with drama and anger and she truly can just be mean to everyone at times. But, that's a whole different thread, lol.

If it were just me and my bf it would be great.....but....that's not reality, right? I only had 1 kid and he was a boy. He was easy. Now, I'm finding myself struggling with witnessing sibling rivalry, dealing with GIRLS, and the fact that there's TWO girls makes it hard for me. Throw in the needy dog and the needy whiney cat and I'm at my wit's ends sometimes.

Then, the ex takes the girls and I can settle in and relax and my bf and I can have time to talk, catch up on bigger things, and I can sometimes find my center. I usually hit my max when we've had the girls for 5 days straight. It's about that time when I feel antsy, getting tired of the mess, the arguing and fighting with each other, and the disconnection between my bf and I. I'm on day 6 today. We've had them since Monday and I think we're supposed to have them for the next 6 days but I'm hoping that their mom might want to take them on Sunday or Monday night. I'm getting too old for this!