cj.

..... is pretty much a distant memory. Although it has only been a short time since making some major changes in my life, the recent past seems so far away. And I am having a huge struggle to settle in and find some sort of peace and contentment with it all.

My family and I made a move to a new city where there is much more opportunity for my teenage children to have a life outside of the small town we moved from, but I am feeling left out. It seems wherever I turn to fit myself in, whether it be at a meeting or offering my skills and services to organizations for volunteer work, or even just trying to strike up a conversation with an aquaintance, I am looked upon with suspicion and some measure of hostility at times. I am not a pushy person and I try to treat others with respect, so I am at a loss to understand the reactions I get. It's quite possible that I am being overly sensitive, too, because I'm still hurting from the loss of many things I left behind.

I often think that maybe I made the wrong decisions for myself and my children, but when I look at them and see that they are happy and energetic and thriving in their new environment, I just simply can't believe it.

In some ways, I do understand that my Higher Power has led me to this point in my life, but I really find it difficult to understand the reason why I feel abandoned by that Power. Maybe, I am just supposed to accept that I don't get to have something else right now, outside the relationship I share with my children. If that is what it is, I truly hope it will be enough.

I've gone through many changes throughout my recovery, some good, some not so good. Some joyful, some painful. But I don't ever remember feeling so sad from the inside.

I trust NA. I trust my Higher Power. I trust the process and the outcome. But what I don't trust, is my disease. I know all too well the state of perception I get in if I let myself try to figure out the why's of any of my problems alone. So, thanks for letting me share here today. It's been a long time coming!

Peace
cj