Good morning,
Thank you so much for checking in and for the kind words, it really does mean a lot to me. I am feeling better today. Today starts day 3. I have my kids here with me and when they are here I am much calmer and happier. My ex says "don't use them" I said "I am not using them, I am being their mother"
It seems like a really small thing, but I am incredibly proud of myself for what I did Friday night. I always complain that I do not have friends here, and for the most part it is true, but I realised on Friday I have only reached out tentatively and shyly. On Friday I was in contact with the American woman who I met through the work I do with the refugees, she asked me if I could come with her on Saturday. I have felt a connection with her and as we have had a few dinners out together (and one night out bar hopping trying to collect warm coats from yacht crew members) I explained why I don't drink, I felt I could trust her. We don't see each other much as she doesn't live in the same town as me.
Anyway, I'm rambling with the backstory. So on Friday she contacted me about the refugees and I just told her that I wasn't doing well, I drank again and I needed help. I told her I felt overwhelmed and scared, the house was a mess, my head was a mess, i didn't know where to start or what to do. She asked me what I needed and I said "I don't know" She offered to come with her husband to see me and help me clean my house, have a pizza together and talk. I can't believe it but I accepted. And they did. We put music on, her husband ironed for two hours, she and I cleaned the house from top to bottom, even things like vacuuming under the beds and cleaning the baseboards (her idea!) We talked over pizza. Before they left they asked me very seriously if there was any alcohol in the house and should they take anything with them. There wasn't but I appreciated them asking. They told me to call anytime.
Yesterday morning I saw the new psychiatrist. We talked for about 30 minutes. It was at like a drop in center. He validated my feelings about the abrupt end of my work with my other psychiatrist which felt liberating. I told him I feel pretty good and safe when I have my kids with me, I used to drink even with them here, but I have contained my three relapses since rehab to days that they are not with me. He said I could come to the hospital for a "day hospital" check in on the days I don't have the kids. He would give me a check up, check my blood levels to calm me and give me any medication I might need. I can rest there if I need to and there are psychologists to talk to. I told him I was worried about my dependency on help but he said right now I need at least something to grasp onto to get me going.
don't know if I'll do that but the option is open. He also said that he would look into the antabuse implant. He said he has not personally given that to anyone but knows about it. He will inform himself on where and how it is offered. Apparently it stays in your system for one year. I know medication is not the full answer but I still appreciated him covering all bases. I'm not sure how I feel about an implant. it sounds scary.
After that I felt very weak and tired so my friends came to pick me up instead of me driving to them. We went to the supermarket and bought groceries for three families then delivered the food and some clothes and visited with each of them.
When I came back from that my kids arrived and we had a nice afternoon together. I made a good, healthy dinner then we watched a movie before bed.
I still feel a little bit depressed and not completely healthy today but that is to be expected.
For now my plan is to concentrate as much as I can on my kids. Go to my appointment with the rehab psychologist on Wednesday. Go on Thursday to the hospital if I feel I need it. I also have an appointment with a local psychologist on Thursday but I think I am going to quit seeing her, I've given her a fair shot and I don't really feel a connection. I am nervous about talking to her about that.
I asked on the 12 step forum here about online sponsorship and someone has offered.
I really sometimes feel hopeless, like some people like me are beyond saving, but I do always, always, always pick myself back up and do so relatively quickly, so there is that. Maybe there is hope after all.